I Never Gave It to You

You still leave the porch light burning low
Like I am twenty minutes down the road
Like you can fix the drywall with some paint
And act like all the ugly things were faint
You poured the coffee black into my cup
And asked me if I ever will grow up
I swallowed down the scald and did not blink
I watched your heavy hands shake at the sink

You tell your friends that we are doing fine
That time just washed the poison out of wine
I let you buy my dinner twice a year
I sit across and pretend not to hear
When you rewrite the summer I was ten
And turn yourself into a saint again
I nod my head to let the silence stay
Because it takes less blood to look away

I never gave you back the quiet room
I never let the mercy start to bloom
You think the passing years are washing clean
The hardest things that you have ever seen
I carry every word you threw in rage
I will not tear that paper from the page
You want the absolution in my eyes
I never gave it to you, that was lies

You got the tremor in your knuckles now
You try to soften how you crease your brow
You want to be the grandfather who stayed
To balance out the debts you never paid
I look just like you when I lose my cool
I hate that you gave me that broken tool
I learned to survive by being stone
And now you hate to face that wall alone

I never gave you back the quiet room
I never let the mercy start to bloom
You think the passing years are washing clean
The hardest things that you have ever seen
I carry every word you threw in rage
I will not tear that paper from the page
You want the absolution in my eyes
I never gave it to you, that was lies

I hug you by the car before I leave
I feel your old bones shaking in your sleeve
You want to hear me say it is alright
To let you sleep a little sound tonight
I will not hand you peace to make you whole
I will not pull the iron from my soul

I never gave you back the quiet room
I never let the mercy start to bloom
You think the passing years are washing clean
The hardest things that you have ever seen
I carry every word you threw in rage
I will not tear that paper from the page
You want the absolution in my eyes
I never gave it to you, that was lies

I drive away into the freezing rain
I keep the anger, you can keep the pain
I will not heal you on your way out slow
I never gave it to you, now you know